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Last-minute
goals they should be banned
 MAMA
said there would be weeks like this, when everything goes wrong.
It started with Arsenal scrabbling around for a draw against
Bolton. Then nobody wrote in backing my Martin Jol for England
campaign – again. The BBC said they were bringing Two Pints
of Lager and a Packet of Crisps back for another series. A jumped-up
West Ham fan suggested Arsenal enter the Intertoto cup, to think
I was making those gags about Spurs last year. I drew a complete
blank, a big fat zero on the Valentine’s card count (first
time since 1996). I send one to Natalie Imbruglia every year,
the least she could do is return the favour.
 Somebody
told me that my Grimsby material wasn’t funny any more,
and that substituting Grimsby with Leicester wouldn’t work.
The hole in my duffel coat got bigger. We all had to suffer
Cristina Ronaldo’s gurning face after a lucky goal against
Portsmouth. The sub-editors are bound to write a stupid anti-Arsenal
headline on this column. I found out Jose Reyes is likely to
play against Real Madrid next week. I didn’t get tickets
for the Arctic Monkeys’ gig – Leo Sayer is Number
One.
And the Gunners lost to Liverpool by a last minute goal. Having
Luis Garcia in my fantasy league team didn’t soften the
blow.
IT was funny to see the Special One after his turkeys were
stuffed at the Riverside. There he was, blowing his cheeks out
like a man who’d farted in a packed lift and hoped no one
would notice.
I’m sure those head pats he dished out as his big ’eads
trundled off the pitch were a tad harder than usual.
Still, who’d have thought Chelski would get rumbled by
a team who couldn’t string a parcel together let alone
a winning run.
 They
weren’t alone. The Bolton Bruisers did the same and let
Wenger’s Might-never-win-again-ibles score a late equaliser.
Not that us Spurs supporters are bothered now that Sam ‘Please
let me be England manager, pleeese’ Allardyce’s boys
are our biggest rivals for that European spot.
That said, another debacle like Sunday and my best bet for a
trip to Europe next season will be trying to get on an 18-30
trip. Again.
I blame Paul Stalteri. I know he managed it a few weeks back,
but I do wish he’d quit trying to score and stay back and
defend.
At the Stadium of Light(s are out and no-one is home), he reminded
me of my granny chasing the guinea pig around the room.
Paul, you’re starting to make Dean Richards look like Roberto
Carlos. Stop it.
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