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Published: 17 January 2008
They never seem to learn the lessons on Tyneside

KEVIN Keegan breezed back into Newcastle yesterday. You couldn’t help thinking the misty-eyed folk on Tyneside never seem to learn.
They’ve not learned that getting their tattooed bellies out in freezing weather impresses nobody, it gets you on TV but you look like a fudging twit.
They’ve never learned that Jimmy Nail’s Spender isn’t the height of entertainment. That it would be funnier to still refer to Ant and Dec by their pop names PJ and Duncan and that a nightclub disco boat pulled up in the city centre is a little bit naff.
And they’ve never learned that changing your manager every two seconds is about as silly asking Alan Shearer to be a witty pundit on Match of the Day.
It will be entertaining having Keegan back in the Premiership fold. I love his enthusiasm but I’d love it. Just love it. If Arsenal hammer his new old team in the next round of the FA Cup.
Another team that hasn’t learned much over the last 50 years is Top Four Tottenham. Even Christian Gross putting on his best thinking hat could work out that blowing millions of pounds on Darren Bent was not grounds to forecast a Champions League place. No wonder he looks like he is on the move. At Arsenal, there is a bit more commonsense. They’ve learned that you don’t win anything with Charlton’s cast-offs, one draw against Birmingham isn’t reason to panic and the Carling Cup is only an afterthought. Even if you are playing Spurs.

AS a West Ham fan, Tottenham are near the top of my hate list.
But today, for the first time, I know what it’s like to be a Tottenham fan. To put it another way: it’s January, and my team’s season is pretty much over.
Safe, touch wood, from relegation, with next to no chance of qualifying for a worthwhile place in Europe, we know our boring season will end like Spurs’ always does: in mediocrity.
Before any silly Spurs’ fans write in, let’s compare the significance of each team’s final game of the season over the last five years.
2002/3: West Ham relegated on final day with highest points total for a relegated team; Tottenham 10th.
2003/4: West Ham lose play-off final at Cardiff; Tottenham 14th.
2004/5: West Ham win play-off final at Cardiff; Tottenham 9th.
2005/6: West Ham lose best Premiership-era cup final at Cardiff; Tottenham 5th.
2006/7: West Ham win at Old Trafford on final day to stay up; Tottenham 5th.
You can pretend fifth place is a big deal if you want. But the truth is, in the last five years, the only truly entertaining final-day game Tottenham have had was when they ate a bunch of dodgy lasagne, then lost to West Ham, screwing up their chance of getting into the Champions League.
That was funny, I have to admit. Perhaps it explains why Tottenham fans are so excitable. They aren’t even good at being rubbish without our help.

• Kim Janssen is a former Camden New Journal reporter who now works in Chicago.

• The New Journal is inviting readers to tackle Osley in The People’s Perch. Send your column and a photo to The Crow, 40 Camden Road, NW1 9DR or by email

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